Everyone knows about the Ali-like return of Rocket Roger Clemens to the New York Yankees this season (whenever he feels ready), but not many know during his time off, along with training, the Rocket has been working on his vocals. The first song he plans to release is a cover of an old Dennis Leary classic. I have been lucky enough to snag an updated copy of the lyrics sheet. Feel free to sing or hum along to the tune...

I'm An Asshole : By Roger Clemens

(Spoken)

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American League. About me, about you, about the way your American hearts beat way down in the bottom of your chests whenever I'm on the hill. About the special feeling you get in the cockles of your heart, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area. Boy do I love subcockles.

(Sung)

I'm just a regular ace, with an above average heater,

I lie around on my couch, in boxer shorts and a wife beater

I like baseball, gay porno, and books with my stats,

I've got a gigantic house, and at Piazza I throw bats

My wife, and my job, my kids and my Hummer,

Just need a quarter shot of juice, I only work half the summer

Cuz sometimes a full season, just ain't enough, to keep a man like me interested

(oh no) no way (uh-uh)

No I've gotta go whore myself out, at Mr. Steinbrenner's expense

(oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I pitch really fast, and I'll come up and in,

The only music you'll hear, comes right after chin.....

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use naive owners, and I piss on the fans,

Don't need a Red Sox opinion, be it Schilling or Oil Can's...

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's the worlds biggest asshole)

Sometimes I'll pitch, in a hostile atmosphere,

While ignorant beantowners try to douse me with beer...

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be coming back to pitch,

Manny and Papi might make me their bitch,

But maybe unretiring will go off without a hitch.....

NAAAAH!!!

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)

(spoken)

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get into my oversized Yankee's uniform, jump in the bullpen cart and try to run over Mike Piazza, then I'm gonna go visit Victor Conte, score a kilo of HGH and ram my face in it, Tony Montana style, right before I play those beantown hicks at Fenway. I'm gonna be so juiced up I'll be throwing 130 miles per hour, right at that Serena Williams headed Manny, yeah!!! And when I'm done mowing down Red Sox I'm gonna flip the whole stadium the bird, then I'm going to Houston to do the same. I'd do it in Toronto too but I don't think anyone would notice or care. You know why, cause I AM THE ROCKET, that's why. Two words....HIGH FUCKIN HEAT, OK. Houston, Toronto, Boston, they can have all the fans they want, they can bring signs and boo, and it won't make a lick of fuckin difference because I've got the high heat, OK. Babe Ruth's not dead, he's frozen, and when we thaw him out, we're gonna eat hot dogs, get drunk and win ball games, we're gonna get Mantle, and Gherig, and a case of fuckin whiskey, and a vat of the Clear and...

(Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you really are an asshole)

Why don't you just shut up and sing the song pal..                                .

(Sung)

I'm an asshole (I'm an asshole, he's an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

A-S-S   H-O  L-E

Everybody A-S-S  H-O  L-E

Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay

Hey all you baseball fans, I'm an asshole....and I'm prouuuuud of it.