Now that both the NBA and NHL playoffs are in full swing, I haven't had much time for other things such as eating, speaking or bathing. The good news is the Raptors tied their series at one, and by good news I mean I wasn't forced to hang myself with my own testicles which may happen if the Raps lose to Vince and his mom. There aren't many people in the world I hate, but those two are certainly on the list. In fact, I may despise VC's fat tramp whore mother even moreso than him. Sorry, did I say that out loud?

More good news for Sam Mitchell, who after getting raked across the coals for most of last year, the entire off-season and the first quarter of this year, can finally do a colossal Nelson laugh at all the "experts" who predicted he would be the first coach given dos boot. I don't know Sam from the homeless glue-sniffer I walk over on my way to work, but after seeing how the man operates on and off the court, I dig him, and only slightly more important, it seems like the team has his back and genuinely respect him.

Even more impressive for Mitchell, is how he managed to get the Raptors into the playoffs while building such a strong alliance on Survivor Fiji.

Some other random NBA notes:

-Everyone was mocking Utah's AK-47 for crying on the bench because he didn't get enough playing time, but if you read my NBA preview, you'd know the real reason he was crying. After his wife Masha Lopatova took down "the great wang of China", Andrei now needs to use a bungee cord whenever they have sex.

You can add this, to nibbling at his fingernails, as reasons why Lebron James will never win a championship, and never be comparable to his Airness. Though partying with underage co-eds while puffing on a fat Cuban stogey would probably get King James on the right track. (Thanks to Deadspin for both)

-Things are heating up in the Dallas/G-State series, as Disco Dirk and the rest of the Cuban Clan split their first two home games. I would be remiss if I didn't make note of Baron Davis, who's beard has now recorded back to back triple doubles.

Rubs, Tugs & Pulls Also Probably Would Have Gotten It Done

I noticed this headline over the weekend "Yanks Activate Wang". Thankfully, Wang didn't do his rehab stint with this squad (Thanks Krista), though a "Wang plays with Nuts" headline probably would have made my year. And yes, I am that childish.

If you're bored, send your best "Nuts" headlines to mikesamways@hotmail.com and I'll post the best ones next week. I'll get the ball rolling (so to speak), "Nuts Get Spanked At Home For Second Straight Night".

Hey Baseball, Your New Name Will Be Toby

Seeing as Barry Bonds has been getting the cold shoulder from the Commissioner in his pursuit to break one of the most hallowed records in all sports, I figured it was due time somebody stepped up to the plate. Bonds currently has 741 career bombs, including his seventh of the year Wednesday, which leaves him only 14 back of the record. To honour the greatest batter in the history of the game, I will show the ultimate respect for his accomplishment by naming, starting with his seventh last Wednesday, the final 15 homeruns Bonds hits prior to breaking the record. You may ask, what the christ does naming homeruns have to do with respecting the record? Well, as Kunta Kinte can surely attest, to name something, is to own it, and Barry Bonds not only owns the balls, he owns this record. So you go Barry, do your thing, and I'll be here to make sure every one knows you own that shit.

Wednesday April 25th - HR 741 Necrotizing fasciitis : Randy Wolf threw a diseased fastball, and Barry made him eat it. Selig, you can eat a dick, only 14 to go.

Time For A Career Change?

Chicago Cubs human band-aid Mark Prior is once again out for the season. Seriously, at what point does this guy start contemplating a bubble. I know bubble-man doesn't have quite the same ring as bubble-boy, but when you make Mr. Glass look durable, it may be time to look elsewhere for work. 

I'll have another post tomorrow, including notes on Schilling's fake bloody sock, and an NFL mock draft where the draftee's are actually mocked. As well, be sure to stop by www.doubleviking.com for my latest article "His and Hers Guide to Home Appliances".

Thanks for reading and as always, have an eye.