| The First Rule of Dogfight Club Is, You Do Not Talk About Dogfight Club! This has certainly been a trying off-season for everyones favorite middle finger waving, drug smuggling, run-first quarterback Michael Vick. It appears as though the US Humane Society had been keeping an eye on Vick for a while after constantly hearing his name whispered in regards to illegal dogfights. When a home owned by Vick was raided as part of a drug sting (shocking), police found over 60 dogs, primarily pitbulls, that were malnourished, scarred and injured. They also found evidence and items that are commonly associated with dog fighting. A few thoughts on this. For one, if the NFL has any balls whatsoever, they will suspend Vick for the season. Anyone who takes part in or knows about mistreatment of animals to this extent should be sent to jail and sodomized without lubrication. I can't wait to hear how Vick and his publicist will spin this story, but hopefully he doesn't say the dogs were protecting his jewellery. My guess is they'll say something along the lines of "While Mr Vick owns the house, he doesn't reside there and doesn't condone anything that went on there. Furthermore, he has never taken part in any of the illegal activities that went on there. Mr Vick realizes he has to be accountable for the decisions he makes and he regrets that he placed his trust in the wrong people on this occassion". Personally, I think the man is an absolute piece of street trash, and I hope he takes a helmet to the spine, paralyzing him for life. Then maybe his moron brother forgets about him one day and leaves him by the pool, where the crows peck out his eyes. Suffice it to say, Vick probably won't be getting a warm reception from the fans in Cleveland. 
John Kruk Just Ordered 10 of These (nice work Webb)
The Schilling Code Baltimore Orioles announcer Gary Thorne ruffled some feathers in Red Sox Nation earlier in the week when during a broadcast, he claimed Doug Mirabelli confirmed to him that the Curt Schilling "Bloody Sock" incident, had been a publicity stunt and a hoax. His suggestion that the blood had been "painted on" has since been rebuffed, rebuked and rejected, however baseball historians have since analyzed the sock and now conclude that it actually contains an elaborate secret code, that may shed light on some of baseball's darkest secrets. 
After days of research of my own, we here at the Triple S were able to crack this mysterious bloody painted sock code and what was revealed, is nothing if not earth shattering. Mocking the Draft, Part I The Israel Baseball League held the first ever draft prior to its inaugural season and the biggest surprise came when the Modi'in Miracle selected Sandy Koufax as their final selection in a "tribute" to the Jewish Hall of Famer. Jumping on the tribute bandwagon (and making an unprecedented second consecutive appearance) are the Modesto Nuts, who followed suit by drafting Ron Artest. Irony Ball Corks Indian Giver At the conclusion of last years baseball season, Torii Hunter promised to send the KC Royals some champage if they could knock off the Tigers in the final game and secure the AL Central for Minnesota in the process. The Royals obliged, and being a man of his word, Hunter last week sent 4 bottles of bubbly to the Royals clubhouse. After Major League Baseball found out about the gifts, they quickly informed Torii this was a major no-no, and ordered him to take the bottles back. The Royals meanwhile, were obviously super excited to get hammered and try to forget that they play in Kansas City. The problem was, when they went to uncork their loot, it was gone. How did the Royals react? Well, Thursday night, Zack Greinke said "here's what happens to people who take back present's", with a fastball that corked Torii Hunter in the mouth. Mental note, do not heckle Royals. Mocking the Draft Part II ESPN'S COVERAGE OF THE 2007 NFL DRAFT, WITH YOUR HOST ALEC BALDWIN In a further attempt to resuscitate his recently ravaged public image, Alec Baldwin signs on to host the 2007 NFL Draft show. Always on the cutting edge, ESPN jumped at the chance to land the talented A-lister, despite the fact he's a traffic jam away from turning into Michael Douglas in "Falling Down". Davis and the Raiders are now on the clock, let's zip down to the floor for all the exhilarating action of the 2007 NFL Draft! (Baldwin) "Hello football fans, and welcome to the 2007 draft. I'm sure a lot of you think I'm an absolute asshole, douche-bag father after the voice message I left for my daughter was leaked by my tramp ex-wife, but I'm here today to show everyone I'm just your run of the mill, all-American dad. I think over the course of today's proceedings, you'll come to find that I love and respect all kids, no matter what position they play, and regardless of whether or not they answer the phone when their father calls. Ok, now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's get on to the picks"!! Al Davis takes the stage, looking like Uncle Leo in a velour jumpsuit. (Davis) "With the first overall pick in the 2007 draft, the Raiders select QB, from the Louisiana State University, Jamarcus Russell" (Baldwin) "Well there you have it folks. Months of speculation are finally over as Jamarcus Russell is the first overall pick. Russell was a popular pick among some circles, but Mr. Davis you psychotic old bag, to quote Gnarls Barkley 'I think you're craaaazy, just like meeeeee'. First of all, the kid’s parents couldn't even decide on one name. HEY RUSSELL'S, IS IT MARCUS OR JAMAL!!! I truly can't believe the mental midgets running the Raiders wasted their pick on a worthles, useless, brainless quarterback who can barely find Waldo, let alone Randy Moss on a 50 yard fly route. Good luck Oakland you pathetic excuse for a professional franchise. You just drafted a guy who is such a dog, last week they found him at Ron Mexicos's house in a cage. Enjoy another season in last place, you and your retarded fans deserve it. ESPN executives begin shifting uncomfortably in their leather recliners. "Whose idea was it to let Baldwin host again"? Silence, followed by nervous fidgeting. (Baldwin) "Alright folks, onto the second pick, as Matt Millen and the Detroit Lions step to the stage. This should be a treat". (Millen) "With the second pick, the Detroit Lions select Calvin Johnson, Wide Receiver out of Georgia Tech". (Baldwin) "What a huge surprise, the Lions choose a receiver. Almost as shocking as Lance Bass revealing he's a closet 'ass-tronaut'. So they decide to go with Calvin, which I guess makes the Lions 'Hobbes' and is so totally appropriate for this organization as it has been run like a goddamn cartoon since they let Barry Sanders retire. Detroit fans, not only do you live in the toilet bowl of America, but your team has a brain trust that makes Larry, Curly and Moe look like Stephen Hawking. Actually, anyone that continues to live in that cess pool of a city obviously doesn't have the brains or decency of a human being. I don't care that he's the best player in the draft; your management team is a thoughtless pain in the ass that doesn't care about any of you. Just like my ex-wife, the tramp". ESPN executives simultaneously pull out their phones and begin phoning attorneys. The little one starts bleeding from his ear. (Baldwin) "Mooooving right along, Cleveland Browns coach Romeo Crennel is waddling his way to the podium. Optimism is high in Ohio this year as the Browns appear to be only about 29 players away from even catching a sniff of the playoffs. In fact, the odds on the Browns making the playoffs are identical to the odds that my brain-dead, slut-whore of an ex-wife can walk and chew gum at the same time, roughly 50 billion to one". (Crennel) "With the third overall pick, the Browns select Adrian Peterson, running back from the Oklahoma Sooners". (Baldwin) “Superb pick Cleveland. Peterson's collarbone should last about as long as it takes for his old man to be thrown back into the clink, which will probably be early November. Adrian Peterson is a thoughtless little pig. I bet he didn't even answer the phone when his father called from prison last year. Though I'm sure it's not completely his fault as his mother no doubt put him up to it. I should fly down to her house and straighten her ass out. I don't care that he's the top running back, the kid is a rude little pig and he needs to be straightened out. He's pretty big though, I think I'll send one of my bodyguards." All hell is breaking loose in the ESPN executive press room. Most of the team have long since vacated, and the ones that remain are now sobbing uncontrollably. Warbled murmurs of "damn you Baldwin" are just barely audible. (Baldwin) "This sure is exciting isn't it folks? Kinda reminds me of watching my whore ex-wife suck back shots of vodka like it's her job. Next up, the Tampa Bay Bucs. Hey, you know what rhymes with Bucs? Sucks!! As in my ex-wife sucks more dick than a Taiwanese crackwhore". (Jon Gruden) "Tampa Bay would like to select, with the fourth pick, QB out of Notre Dame, Brady Quinn". (Boos fill the air) (Baldwin) "Well, at least the kid can bench 230 a million times, he's gonna need all his strength to push off the constant parade of 230 pound linebackers that will be sitting on his chest 17 times per game. What kind of a name is Brady anyways? His parents should have just named him 'stuff a cock in my throat'. Hey Quinn, how about you get a haircut too, now that the priests at Notre Dame don't need to use your mullet as handles. Oh, and have fun throwing to your new receivers you rude little pig. They have nice soft hands, kinda like Michelangelo’s David". At this point, Brady Quinn flies off the stage and lunges over a table towards Baldwin. A full on brawl erupts, two people are killed and 38 are injured. Only 3 weapons are discharged (all from the Bengals table). ESPN is sued for millions, but they make it all back and more in what turns out to be the biggest ratings bonanza since the OJ trial. At the next board of directors meeting, it is determined that ESPN will fly in Don Imus to host the upcoming WNBA draft. Now that's what I call must see TV. | 
